Last night I had a dream that my life was really different. I wasn't living with my family. I wasn't doing a master's program. My dad wasn't sick. Things were just different.
The dream is foggy now so I can't remember the details, but I know I woke up disappointed with the life I was in.
Today, I want a different life. I want to be somebody else that isn't me.
Or maybe I want to fast forward to when things get better. Either way,
... in my mind I am somewhere in Oregon. I'm somewhere between Ashland and Bend. There is mainly trees. I'm kayaking down a giant, blue lake. Folksy music is playing in the background. I have a perfect partner who is sitting behind me. My dog is in my lap, and there are cold beers waiting for us at the dock.
Today, I want to go find some redwoods. I want to feel that feeling I get when I'm out in trees. Today, I don't want to be sitting here, working on homework. I don't want to my dad to be lying in a bed, almost immobile.
I am trying to make sense of all of this, but there just doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason.
I am a good person, I love a lot, I do things for others. I care for children, I'm good with animals. I recycle... I donate... So why is this awful thing happening in my life? Why is my dad fading away, when I'm still right here?
Today, I don't want to be crying. I just want to be free, somewhere else. I hear so many times that things are temporary. That "this too shall pass", so can it just pass already? Can we move on to a different chapter? The one where maybe I'm getting married? Or when maybe I have kids? Maybe even a year from now?
I know I'm not supposed to wish my life away, but man, I would give anything for a big, fat, positive change right now.
Today, I'm hoping and wishing. Today, I'm sleeping and crying. Today, I want something different.
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