I'm not quite sure why I have such a hard time helping myself be better. Why do I put off things like meditation or yoga, why have I self sabotaged in the past? Is it because I get nervous when things feel like they're going to be okay.
Separate from my dad being sick, my little bubble of a life feels good. Right now, my family and I are getting along really well. I am getting closer with relatives that I haven't been close to in the past, and I love my job. I have little bright lights in the love department, where I'm starting to feel more hopeful..
I want to be a girl that is laid back. A girl who listens, who doesn't always say things without thinking. Sometimes, I want to sit back and observe what is going on around me rather than get wrapped up in it.
Today, I sat by a lagoon near our house and looked around me. I saw trees, birds, bees, my dog sitting in my lap. I hummed different songs, and I looked up at the sky. I've had moments like this before, they're rare, but there are these moments where I feel God. I sit and close my eyes and smell the fresh air.
I see God when I'm out in nature. I see God when hummingbirds are near. I see God when the wind is hitting my face. I see God when I take a deep breath and say, it's in your hands now.
Sometimes I forget, but there are only a few things in this life that are real and true. Love is our one constant. Anxiety, fear, all of this comes from a place that is temporary and unreal. But love is always there, it is the only real thing that I know won't leave. Even when people pass on, I still feel love. That is something that is to be celebrated.
Being alive is so strange. Sometimes, I take it so seriously. Sometimes, I feel so much that I can hardly breathe. But at the end of the day, as I sit and look out at the water, I see God. My grandmas comes to me in forms. When I think of them I see a hummingbird, when I feel a breeze I know it's their way of saying hello. I wonder what they would think about who I am today.
I have had a very comfortable life so far. I am safe, I am loved, I have never had to worry about where I will get my next meal or where I will sleep. I have never questioned if I am loved. So much in my life has felt safe. So, when I see my dad stuck in limbo, I feel so shaken. I feel like I don't understand life anymore. I forget about God, love, I forget to live.
Maybe things can be okay and not okay at the same time. Maybe I can fall in love and laugh and smile, while crying and frowning and constantly thinking of my dad.
Maybe it doesn't just have to be bad or good, maybe it is what it is.
So today I will breathe in the air, move my body that I am so lucky to have, smell the flowers, pet my dog, and listen to music. Today, I will decide not to let the temporary weigh me down.
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