I'm not sure what else to title this as grief is truly so complicated and strange.
It's challenging because it can feel so isolating and lonesome. Nobody wants to talk about it, and there's a period of time where people just kind of stop checking in.
The first few weeks after my father died, we got flowers and letters and it was overwhelming but I loved it. Planning his funeral while working and trying to finish up school felt impossible but I made it through. And then his funeral was so wonderful, and I couldn't believe how many people showed up. It was everybody that I loved so much, and it just meant the world. They all came to celebrate my dad's life, they sat through a funeral mass and went out of their way to comfort me and my family.
The weird thing about going to a parent's funeral is after it's over everybody moves forward. Friends and family go home - out of town or not, and just go on living. But I am still at the same place I was moments after he passed, I feel like waves are crashing around me. It's like the floor got picked up from underneath me.
I thought because I had months of warning, I was supposed to be okay. I thought that maybe it would make this all easier. But the reality set in and I'm realizing that it's more than just the fact that my sick dad is at ease or at peace.... no, it's more than that to me. It's the fact that my funny, charming, lovable dad isn't here anymore. That piece of him died too, those memories are just that... memories.
I read in this grief facebook group I'm a part of that grief is a lot like the ocean. And it is so true, it brought me to tears. When a ship wrecks, it's traumatizing and the waves keep crashing and the storm keeps coming. But then it becomes calm, and the sky clears. And it feels like things are peaceful. Then it starts back up again, bringing the wreckage of that ship to life. Losing my dad was a giant ship wreck, and my emotions bring up that pain. Over time, maybe the storms and the waves happen less. Maybe there is more calm in between the storm. Maybe we don't see the wreckage as much. But when it happens, when those hurt feelings come up, it feels just like the day the ship was wrecked in the first place. The feelings of watching my dad fade away are still there, they just come up less.
For the past few days, I've felt fine. Like weirdly fine. Ready to socialize again and reach out, ready to live my life. But then something will happen - a big or small trigger, and I will feel just like that girl surrounded by wreckage.
The moment where I sat and watched him pass plays through my head. There is no healing from this, there is no letting go or moving on. There is just time. Time maybe softens the blow, and maybe sometimes things feel okay. But I never know when my ship will feel wrecked all over again.
I was thinking today, we all think we know what's best. We all have an idea of how things should be or how someone should act or react. Judgment comes from that, right? When someone doesn't do something you think they should, we judge them.
I'm upset with my dad. I'm upset that he left us, and that he maybe could have saved his own life if he had made better life choices.
But life does what it does, and people do what they do. We can't really control that, we can try and we can support. But sometimes, all we can do is sit back and let whatever happens happen. There are small steps we can take to maybe make a better outcome. There are things we can do to make us feel good. Like going outside, looking at the sky, being with friends, laughing a lot. These are things that can cheer us up, but the most important thing is to love those around us. To love ourselves. To hold those around us close and to tell those around us that we love them. All we can really do is love. That's the only real thing we have. So, there's beauty in grief too. Sometimes I do feel god/goddess/the universe calling to me. Other times it feels like nobody is listening at all.
I'm not sure how to end this post, or what my point even is, I guess I am hoping I reach someone. Somebody who feels alone or scared or like there isn't much to live for. We really are never alone, and I believe that those who pass are never really gone. So take a deep breath, and never forget that it hurts because you loved a lot, and that is oddly beautiful.
Comments